The Pie of Sopor Slime
by Lord Siravant
Summary: A one-shot parody of Edgar Allen Poe's The Cask of Amontillado, starring our favorite genocidal clowns! Kefka desires revenge against Gamzee for annoying him one too many times. How will it work out? R/R, I accept anonymous ones! No pairings.


**This was part of an assignment I had to do for my literature class. But I thought it was good enough to be posted up on here. I hope many laughs are had in this!**

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**The Pie of Sopor Slime**

Kefka had had it up to here. He had had to put up with Gamzee for too long. Of course he was a member of the Insane Clown Posse. They both were. But in Kefka's twisted mind, that didn't matter anymore. Gamzee was annoying in every sense of the word. His mannerisms, his disposition, and that _stupid freaking horn_! Just thinking about that infernal device made Kefka want to turn the Light of Judgment on a random Boy Scout camping trip. There was going to be hell to pay, one genocidal clown to another.

But Kefka was a planner, though at first you wouldn't realize it. After all, he hadn't obtained godhood in his own world by blasting everything around him. That was only part of it. Kefka had to think of something _humiliating_, something the stupid little troll would _never_ get over. He couldn't just kill him outright, Majora would definitely not like that. And Kefka knew better than to make Majora mad. After all, he was literally the only member of the Posse whose power exceeded his own. No, he needed to do something else.

Something that would make his cohorts laugh hysterically instead of scold him.

Currently he was pacing about in his private room in the Catastrophic Carnival, the Posse's underground lair. His mismatched jester's clothes formed an intriguing backdrop against the dull colors of his room. His red and yellow cape trailed against the ground as the clown god paced. His painted white face was furrowed in concentration and frustration, his purple lips contorted into a frown. Scratching his head, careful to avoid the bun of his yellow hair that was wrapped around an impressive set of white feathers, Kefka tried to formulate a plan.

"There's gotta be something I can do about that little brat!" he mused to himself, rubbing his chin. "Maybe…no…What if I…no, that's not good enough!"

Kefka shouted in anger and tossed an Ultima spell at the wall, leaving a nasty scorch mark on its surface. Staring at his handiwork, Kefka tapped his foot. Then, all of a sudden, it came to him. Smiling wickedly, he rubbed his hands together as a devious plan came together. This was too good. It was perfect! No one would suspect a thing, least of all Gamzee, who was probably stoned on his ridiculous sopor slime pies even as he schemed. Confident it would work, Kefka threw his head back and unleashed his trademark cackle. "UWEE-HEE-HEE!"

He would get him when he was the deepest into his drug-filled pies, usually around three o' clock in the afternoon. He was usually by himself at this time. Majora would often go do some recruiting, or formulate plans, or cause some havoc to the stupid kids who always pissed him off. Lobo usually took the Havoc Wing and visited his favorite bar. Piedmon practiced his swordplay about this time of day, and Dimentio took a break from hanging out with Gamzee to go raid the food stores. Joker was usually down in the basement concocting the newest stores of his Joker venom. Gamzee was all alone, and soon to be the victim of such a prank as to make the Joker himself jealous. That made Kefka even giddier. He always savored the opportunity to one-up his non-magical doppelganger.

Kefka found his target right where he thought he would be. A teenager with gray skin, messy black hair, and two candy corn-colored horns curving up like a goat's, sat on the purple couch with a pie filled with green slime in his lap and a fork in one hand. His face was covered with white paint, and some slime had gotten on his lips and black shirt. As usual, he was barefoot. With an evil grin, Kefka waltzed up to the troll, who was so baked that he didn't even register his presence at first, just continuing to eat.

Kefka cleared his throat. "Hey, Gamz!" he cried in a deceptively jovial tone.

Gamzee looked up and saw Kefka before him. "Oh…hey, 'sup, Kef?"

"I'm utterly bored, and I couldn't help but notice you here all by your lonesome. So I just figured to myself, why don't I have some fun with my old pal Gamzee!"

A fully-conscious person would have detected the sarcasm and sickeningly-fake sincerity in Kefka's high-pitched voice. Gamzee was, however, not so fortunate. "You mean like…a game?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's right! A game! Wanna play?"

Gamzee threw up his hands and curled them into fists. "Hell yeah, motherfucker!"

"Uwee-hee-hee-hee! Why are we wasting time? Off to my humble abode!"

Helping Gamzee to his feet, Kefka looped one arm around his younger friend and proceeded towards Kefka's room. Throwing open the door, Kefka led Gamzee over to an empty alcove. Gamzee was too stoned to notice the bricks and fresh mortar sitting by it. "Alright, Gamz!" Kefka chirped. "We're going to play hide-and-seek!"

"Oh dude, I love this game!"

"I knew you would! You're it! Now what I want you to do is sit down in this little alcove, with your back to the wall."

Gamzee looked over at where Kefka was pointing, shrugged, and followed his orders. "Now what?"

"Close your eyes, put your hands to your ears, and count to one hundred. And no counting fast or skipping numbers!"

"Sure thing, motherfucker!" Gamzee said, doing as he was told. "One…two…three…"

Kefka grinned wildly as he put his plan into motion, grabbing the bricks, covering them with mortar, and putting them in place over the alcove one layer at a time. The first layer was put in place.

"Thirteen…fourteen…fifteen…"

The second layer was up.

"Twenty-nine…thirty…thirty-one…"

The third row now lay flat.

"Fifty…fifty-one…fifty-two…"

The wall was up to Kefka's chest.

"Sixty-five…sixty-six…sixty-seven…"

The bricks were now up to Kefka's head. He could no longer see Gamzee, but he could still hear him counting.

"Seventy…seventy-one…seventy-two…"

Levitating himself up in the air to finish the job, Kefka started on the last two layers.

"Eighty-two…eighty-three…eighty-four…"

One layer left.

"Ninety…ninety-one…ninety-two…"

And finally the last layer was put into place. Sneering nastily, he cast a fire spell to harden the mortar. He couldn't even hear Gamzee finish counting, or hear the scream of terror that followed. But he could imagine it, and for Kefka, that was enough. Throwing his head back, Kefka laughed in pure exhilaration.

_Honk_.

Kefka stopped laughing. Was he imagining things?

_Honk._

No. He had definitely heard that.

_Honk._

It was getting louder. Kefka frantically looked around. It was impossible. The only one who used that horn was behind that brand-new wall!

_Honk!_

"What is going on!" Kefka screeched, trying not to panic.

_HONK! HONK! HONK!_

"No! You're dead! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And just like that, Kefka awoke. He was in his bed. Had he been dreaming?

_Honk! Honk!_

"What?_!_" Kefka growled, turning towards the noise.

And there stood Gamzee, alive and well. Not behind a brand-new wall as Kefka had imagined. "Dude, Majora's called a meeting," he said. "They're waitin' for you."

Kefka just stared at him, his mouth hanging slightly open. The next moment, Gamzee was fleeing Kefka's room in a panic as Kefka hurled every magic spell he knew around the room, screaming like a maniac. "IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY? WHY? _WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY_?_!_"

And so it was decided to not bother Kefka for the rest of the day, and the rest of the genocidal clowns did their best to ignore the explosions and hysterical sobs echoing from Kefka's room.


End file.
